I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
