im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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