Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize