Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
