all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
