He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I did not marry a roomba.
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