we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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