were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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