ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
