my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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