My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
