My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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