areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
