Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
pop tarts are not kleenex
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
