and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You are a genius and a whore.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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