I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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