I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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