so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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