I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
