giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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