i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
All the doctor said was why
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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