his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
