I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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