i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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