The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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