are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
