Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
