I looked at my own cervix.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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