I feel great
I just peed on a car
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize