im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Be still, my beating vagina.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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