Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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