you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My breasts were aching with rage.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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