Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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