I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
please come you make the beer taste better
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
