It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
