I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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