he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have post one night stand depression
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