she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
