he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
