Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
