Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
