you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
