Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
