For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
