He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
