i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
