Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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