you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
