Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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