I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
