it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
