I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
