I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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