it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
