Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
