I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
