Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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