I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
