So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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