Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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