If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
