I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
