You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
