I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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